Mimesis Law
2 June 2020

A Crappy Ending For Potential Petroleum Thieves

August 12, 2016 (Fault Lines) –Fault Lines rarely covers issues in the criminal justice system outside the United States.  On this occasion, it’s worth making an exception.  Tourists in Australia don’t need to worry about theft while traveling Down Under, because their larcenists are literally full of shit.

Laverton Police Sen. Sgt Heath Soutar said a visiting tour bus fell victim to an attempted theft last week.

Sen. Sgt Soutar said it appeared the would-be thief or thieves tried to siphon fuel from the parked bus during the night.

Siphoning fuel is generally a crappy idea, and not something left to an amateur.  The process carries with it serious risk of physical injury and requires knowledge and timing.  Knowledge is especially important if you’re trying to steal fuel from a tour bus, as these foul-mouthed ruffians found out quickly.

Usually when you’re siphoning fuel from a passenger vehicle, it’s easy to figure out where to put the hose since most vehicles prone to this activity only carry fuel tanks.  But tour buses come equipped with bathrooms, and when passengers have to do their duty, the waste has to go somewhere. That means there’s two tanks, and two choices for the would be petrol pirates to pilfer their ill-gotten gains.

They chose poorly.

[The thieves] got a bit more than they bargained for when they accidentally accessed the bus’ waste tank instead of the one containing fuel.

Instead of the burning taste of gas, the larcenous Aussies sucked down a mouthful of human excrement.  After grabbing a mouthful of a tourist’s bathroom business, the would be thieves abandoned the scene of the crime, with only the stench of defeat to show for their failed attempts.

No suspects have been caught, and it’s unlikely the authorities will pursue any further investigation. Eating shit is arguably punishment enough, and the would be petroleum perp’s buddies will never let him or her live this down.

8 Comments on this post.

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  • DaveL
    12 August 2016 at 12:35 pm - Reply

    You know, they sell these nifty little siphons with hand pumps in roadside emergency kits…

    • CLS
      12 August 2016 at 1:07 pm - Reply

      Yeah, but then they’d just be holding shit instead of actually eating it, and this entire story wouldn’t be as funny.

  • losingtrader
    12 August 2016 at 3:32 pm - Reply

    Are you auditioning with David for funniest twisted crime story?

    In any case, keep it up.

  • Eva
    12 August 2016 at 6:57 pm - Reply

    So I presume that if any suspects are caught they should consider a plea deal if the judge mentions;

    “Odor in the court!”

    • CLS
      12 August 2016 at 7:58 pm - Reply

      Okay now that’s a good one. A terrible pun, but I like it. Good going, Eva.

      • Eva
        13 August 2016 at 12:30 pm - Reply

        Well, not my best but if it made you and the people here smile or laugh a little it is enough.

  • Dave
    12 August 2016 at 9:25 pm - Reply
    • CLS
      13 August 2016 at 7:26 am - Reply

      And the sourcing was from an Australian news outlet, if you’d have bothered to check.

      Glad you had to take time out of your day to “correct” a post I made on Friday solely for the sake of making poop jokes.