Mimesis Law
23 March 2017

With Apologies to Dr. Seuss

March 3, 2017 (Fault Lines) — Prefatory note: Although you read this on a Friday, this post was written on March 2, 2017, National Dr. Seuss Day. The following is Fault Lines’ tribute to the beloved children’s author.

I am an inmate in a prison near you.
I am Oaf

Oaf I am
That Oaf-I-Am!
That Oaf-I-Am!
I do not like that Oaf-I-Am!

Do you like Nutraloaf?

I do not like that,
Oaf-I-Am!
I do not like that
Nutraloaf!

Would you like it
in your cell?

I would not like it
In my cell!
I just don’t like
The way it smells!
I do not like that Nutraloaf
I do not like it, you’re an Oaf!

Would you like it
In Ad Seg?
Would you like it
With an egg?

I would not like it
In Ad Seg!
I would not like it
With an egg!
I would not like it
In my cell!

I cannot stand
The way it smells!
I do not like that Nutraloaf!
I do not like it, you’re an Oaf.

Would you eat it
With a cellie?
Would you eat it
With some jelly?

Not with a cellie.
Not with some jelly.
Not in Ad Seg.
Not with an egg.
I would not eat it in my cell.
I cannot stand the way it smells!
I would not eat that Nutraloaf.
I do not like it, Mister Oaf.

Would you, could you,
In handcuffs?
Eat it! Eat it!
Here’s the stuff!

I would not, could not
In handcuffs!

You may like it
You will see!
You may like it
It’s all you’ll need!

It is not, is not all I need.
Not in handcuffs! Please let me be!
I do not like it with some jelly

I do not like it with a cellie
I do not like it in Ad Seg
I do not like it with an egg
I do not like it in my cell
I cannot stand the way it smells!

I will not eat that Nutraloaf!
I do not like it, you’re an Oaf!

A tase! A tase!
A tase! A tase!
Could you, would you,
If I tased?
Not with a tase! It’s not my need!
No not in handcuffs! Please let me be!
I would not, could not, with some jelly
I would not, could not with a cellie
I will not eat it in Ad Seg
I will not eat it with an egg
I will not eat it in my cell
I cannot stand the way it smells
I will not eat that Nutraloaf!
I do not like it, you big fat Oaf!

Say!
Without meds?
Here without meds?
Would you, could you, without meds?
I would not, could not,
without meds.
Would you, could you,
With a beating?
Not without meds. Please, no beating.
Your words have me file a grievance meeting
Not with a tase, not with handcuffs
Your words are truly nightmarish stuff
Not with some jelly, not with a cellie
Not in Ad Seg, not with an egg
Not in my cell, because it smells
I cannot eat that Nutraloaf
When will you learn, you stupid Oaf?

You don’t like it
So you say
After I punish you
You just may

*interlude for beating, spraying with boiling water, and torture*

Say!
I do like that Nutraloaf!
I do like it, and you’re not an Oaf!
I would eat it without meds
I would eat it in my bed
I would eat it with a cellie
I would eat it with some jelly
I would eat it in Ad Seg
I would eat it with an egg
I would eat it in my cell
Never mind the way it smells!

So I will eat it in my cell
I will eat it despite the smell
I will eat it in Ad Seg
I will eat it with an egg
I will eat it with a cellie
I will eat it with some jelly
I will eat it without meds
I would eat it handcuffed in bed

I do so love this Nutraloaf!
Thank you, officer, Not-An-Oaf!

3 Comments on this post.

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  • Patrick Maupin
    3 March 2017 at 12:01 pm - Reply

    National Dr. Seuss Day??!?

    That’s a terrible misspelling of Texas Independence Day.

  • RICHARD KOPF
    3 March 2017 at 4:49 pm - Reply

    Chris,

    Laughed my ass off while reading your post. By the way, when one of my kids was small, I was asked, gently, not to read Dr. Seus books at bedtime’cause they were creepy. I was let down ’cause I like creepy. And that takes me right back to your wonderful post. Nutraloaf is the essence of creepy. That reminds me–Nutraloaf looks and probably tastes much like my drunk mother’s meatloaf.

    All the best.

    RGK

  • not an anon
    6 March 2017 at 8:57 am - Reply

    Speaking of this stuff called Nutraloaf — are there any published recipes for making it? I’ve wondered for a little while now how much of the problem with Nutraloaf is the actual recipe and how much of it is the prison-grade ingredients normally used…