Mimesis Law
27 January 2022

Dairy Crates, The Gateway Drug

October 3, 2016 (fault Lines) — If you happen to be heading over to Polk County Florida, be sure to check to see if you have anything on or about your person that may have someone’s business name on it. If you do, it could land you in jail. That’s what Tim Troller found out when an ever vigilant deputy saw a Sunshine State Dairy Farms milk crate strapped to his BMX bike.

Polk County takes broken windows policing to the extreme, a milk crate strapped to your bike is a major indicator that you are a career criminal, or as the Polk County Sheriff’s Office spokes-prevaricator Debbie Horstman put it, undoubtedly with a straight face:

Deputies are actually out there proactively looking for things that don’t look right; looking for suspicious things. If they see somebody riding a bicycle at 10 o’clock at night they may have a conversation with them. They are looking for people who are doing even the smallest crime, because, what we’ve learned is, those who will go out and steal a milk crate, for example, are the same people who are probably breaking into cars, breaking into your house.

At this point, feel free to head out to your garage and look at those milk crates your stuff is in. The milk crates you have no clue anymore where they came from. Tim Troller only had one; look at what a big-time criminal that makes him. He could have been on his way to rob a convenience store as it’s well known these things make excellent disguises.

You have two? Not only are you a car prowler and a burglar, but most likely to be a repeat offender.

Three? Kidnapper at the very least. Four or more and you’re likely an organized crime boss; a real heavy. You probably ride your bike at ten-o-clock at night all the time; maybe even later.

Very reluctantly moving on to a more serious note, it seems that lost milk crates cost dairies a bundle because they’re made out of an expensive plastic resin and are the target of thieves who sell them to unscrupulous recyclers.

In many states, stealing milk crates is a misdemeanor that can land you in jail and cost a bundle in fines. In Florida, mere possession of a milk crate is considered prima facie evidence of a violation, regardless of how a person came into possession of it. You may think the dairy listed on your contraband milk crate is defunct because the number printed on the side is out of order or the paint is too faded to make a clear identification.

But not so fast, punk.

Even if the “Podunk Dairy” no longer exists, it was probably bought out by some monster conglomerate that is now owned by Monsanto (or Bayer) and you know those folks don’t mess around. So hardened criminals like Tim Troller and anyone in possession of milk crates that they purchased and shipped at great expense from eBay should count themselves lucky that it was just the cops who caught them.

4 Comments on this post.

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  • Alan
    3 October 2016 at 9:12 am - Reply

    I’m not sure if this is a mistake, but the ‘disguises’ hyperlink points to the Monsanto story.

    • shg
      3 October 2016 at 3:57 pm - Reply

      Fixed. Thanks.

  • M. Kase
    3 October 2016 at 7:14 pm - Reply

    Definitely better to deal with the cops rather than Monsanto. Those cats are willing to send corporate hit squads out over such things.

  • In the News (#680) | The Honest Courtesan
    12 October 2016 at 6:01 am - Reply

    […] More terrifying insanity from the pocket police-state that is Polk County, Florida: […]