Mimesis Law
5 June 2020

Don’t Call FBI Director Comey A Weasel

September 30, 2016 (Fault Lines) — Whatever you do, don’t call FBI Director James Comey a “weasel.” Don’t refer to any of his hard working staff at the FBI as “weasels.” Director Weasel Comey and his Weasels staff are all hard working men and women, and want you to know they perform their jobs daily with integrity. Even when it comes to the investigation of high ranking weasel state officials, Director Weasel in Chief Comey wants the pubic to know they treat such investigations as if Joe the Plumber were a person of interest.

“You can call us wrong, but don’t call us weasels. We are not weasels,” Comey declared Wednesday at a House Judiciary Committee hearing. “We are honest people and … whether or not you agree with the result, this was done the way you want it to be done.”

Of course, the hearing was about “those damned emails,” and how one presidential candidate wasn’t offered special treatment as opposed to the regular government agent who doesn’t handle classified information with absolute care. Director Weasel Comey wanted to make it very clear during his most recent castigation on the Hill that those who didn’t treat our nation’s secrets with the greatest of care would be indicted and tried like any other criminal defendant.

Comey insisted there is no double standard, though he said there would be serious consequences — short of criminal prosecution — if FBI personnel handled classified information as Clinton and her aides did.

“Mary or Joe, if they did this in the FBI, would not be prosecuted,” the FBI director said. “They’d be in big trouble, but they would not be prosecuted. That wouldn’t be fair.”

Aha! There’s the kicker! You just have to be a member of the Federal Bureau of Weasels Investigations to evade prosecution! Well, it’s nice to Director Comey looking after his own.  Now the other individuals who’d be run out of federal job opportunities on a rail for negligently handling classified information in the same manner are out of luck, but if you’ve got a job with the Bureau you can rest easy. No prosecutions, because your fellow weasels agents have your back. You’ll get assigned to different duty, but fear no punishment.

So the matter is settled. Whatever you do, don’t call FBI Director James Comey and his hard working staff “weasels.” He won’t tolerate it, and we all know the amount of data government officials share regarding your private life could mean disastrous consequences if you were to call Director Comey or his hard working staff weasels. Even though he is a public figure, and criticism of Director Weasel In Chief Comey is afforded some of the most stringent First Amendment protections, you can’t call him a weasel.

It’d simply be bad form if you did, and no one can tolerate bad form in our era of enlightened public discourse.

12 Comments on this post.

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  • Jim Shepherd
    30 September 2016 at 12:41 pm - Reply

    Is Ferret also off the table? How about jack-ass?

    • CLS
      30 September 2016 at 12:48 pm - Reply

      He just said the W word was in poor taste.
      I saw none of your suggested options mentioned.

    • DaveL
      4 October 2016 at 3:34 pm - Reply

      I prefer “stoat” myself, if only because it somehow sounds vaguely salacious.

  • Mario Machado
    30 September 2016 at 12:57 pm - Reply

    That first paragraph alone had me in stitches.

  • Josh
    30 September 2016 at 2:27 pm - Reply

    I am concerned that no one has asked the weasels how they feel about this. For all we know, some weasel wrote in his weasel blog “Don’t call us FBI agents…”

  • Hastur
    30 September 2016 at 3:13 pm - Reply

    I wouldn’t want to insult some poor weasel by associating them with the fbi anyway.

  • JAV
    30 September 2016 at 4:33 pm - Reply

    Comey has a point. Going by the pic, weasels are cute.

    • shg
      30 September 2016 at 6:11 pm - Reply

      Weasels are unarmed.

      • albeed
        30 September 2016 at 6:41 pm - Reply

        They may be unarmed, but most LEO’s can’t see that due to their short, stubby arms (the weasel’s, not LEO’s) and can claim that they didn’t follow proper commands.

        Oh, now I get what you mean by unarmed. WLM – Weasel’s Lives Matter!

  • Richard G. Kopf
    30 September 2016 at 11:13 pm - Reply


    As Jim suggests, perhaps a black-footed ferret would be more palatable to the Director. They are the most endangered of American mammals, and far too cute to make comparisons unpleasant. See here: http://19mvmv3yn2qc2bdb912o1t2n.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/science/files/2016/01/ferrets2-1260×708.jpg See also here: log.nature.org/science/2016/01/04/recovery-hope-black-footed-ferrets-most-endangered-mammals/

    The rumor is they are endangered and cute ’cause the males lack balls. I am agnostic on that point having neither the opportunity nor interest to pursue the anatomy of the male BFF.

    Anyway, pass my observations along if you think they would be helpful to the continuing success of the FBI. All the best.


  • maz
    3 October 2016 at 7:24 am - Reply

    I don’t get it.

    Despite the bloviating of various GOP Congressmen, it’s hard to imagine any halfway-honest prosecutor would go after a federal employee for [mainly] having been the recipient of classified communications amounting to far less than 0.4% of total email traffic — especially given, as Comey admits, the vast majority of such emails weren’t properly marked to indicate they contained restricted information. (The number I’ve most often heard is three emails contained paragraphs flagged as ‘confidential’ — and at least one of those, a discussion about wishing a newly elected foreign leader ‘Happy Birthday’ — was mis-labeled.

    Comey’s comments that “any reasonable person […] should have known” mistakenly unlabeled content was actually classified and should not be discussed over unsecured connections is nonsense, considering government agencies, on reviewing emails that passed through the server, decided to restrict retroactively *20* times as many messages as were originally classified. Should we assume from this flurry of post-horse barn door closings that no ‘reasonable person’ had seen any of these 2,000 emails previously?

    As it seems unlikely 2,000 truly sensitive emails somehow slipped past the most classification-happy government ever, it’s probably safe to assume many, perhaps most, carry bogus classifications. If that’s the case, shouldn’t a truly ‘reasonable person’ ignore the misapplied classifications and treat such messages as if they *weren’t* classified? I mean, if it’s Mr. Reasonable’s responsibility somehow to intuit when unrestricted material should actually be restricted, shouldn’t the inverse also be true?

    Somehow, I just don’t see the optimal solution here as being to weasel-shame the FBI into treating everyone equally unfairly….

  • Debate: James Comey Is The Hero Washington Deserves
    2 November 2016 at 2:51 pm - Reply

    […] blew his moment and got called a weasel for messing the bed. There are times when you simply have to make the best choice among some […]