Don’t Call FBI Director Comey A Weasel
September 30, 2016 (Fault Lines) — Whatever you do, don’t call FBI Director James Comey a “weasel.” Don’t refer to any of his hard working staff at the FBI as “weasels.” Director Weasel Comey and his Weasels staff are all hard working men and women, and want you to know they perform their jobs daily with integrity. Even when it comes to the investigation of high ranking weasel state officials, Director Weasel in Chief Comey wants the pubic to know they treat such investigations as if Joe the Plumber were a person of interest.
“You can call us wrong, but don’t call us weasels. We are not weasels,” Comey declared Wednesday at a House Judiciary Committee hearing. “We are honest people and … whether or not you agree with the result, this was done the way you want it to be done.”
Of course, the hearing was about “those damned emails,” and how one presidential candidate wasn’t offered special treatment as opposed to the regular government agent who doesn’t handle classified information with absolute care. Director Weasel Comey wanted to make it very clear during his most recent castigation on the Hill that those who didn’t treat our nation’s secrets with the greatest of care would be indicted and tried like any other criminal defendant.
Comey insisted there is no double standard, though he said there would be serious consequences — short of criminal prosecution — if FBI personnel handled classified information as Clinton and her aides did.
“Mary or Joe, if they did this in the FBI, would not be prosecuted,” the FBI director said. “They’d be in big trouble, but they would not be prosecuted. That wouldn’t be fair.”
Aha! There’s the kicker! You just have to be a member of the Federal Bureau of Weasels Investigations to evade prosecution! Well, it’s nice to Director Comey looking after his own. Now the other individuals who’d be run out of federal job opportunities on a rail for negligently handling classified information in the same manner are out of luck, but if you’ve got a job with the Bureau you can rest easy. No prosecutions, because your fellow weasels agents have your back. You’ll get assigned to different duty, but fear no punishment.
So the matter is settled. Whatever you do, don’t call FBI Director James Comey and his hard working staff “weasels.” He won’t tolerate it, and we all know the amount of data government officials share regarding your private life could mean disastrous consequences if you were to call Director Comey or his hard working staff weasels. Even though he is a public figure, and criticism of Director Weasel In Chief Comey is afforded some of the most stringent First Amendment protections, you can’t call him a weasel.
It’d simply be bad form if you did, and no one can tolerate bad form in our era of enlightened public discourse.