Mimesis Law
8 December 2019

New Jersey Cops Make First Clown Collar

October 7, 2016 (Fault Lines) — The scary clown epidemic, first reported by Fault Lines Contributor David Meyer Lindenberg, has reached levels of mass hysteria for the American public. Professional clowns, intent on bringing joy to the lives of all, are organizing “Clown Lives Matter” protests to combat the scary clown menace. Now Toms River, New Jersey police are fighting back with their first collar in the Great Clown War of 2016. It’s a twelve-year-old girl who likes to do dumb things with Instagram.

A 12-year-old New Jersey girl was arrested last night for a “killer clown hoax” launched from the Instagram account “Killerclownfromnj.” The student, whose name was not released by cops, appears to be the youngest person, to date, collared for making clown-related threats.

“Clown related threats” is a pretty big category under which many varieties of speech fall. Did she specifically issue some sort of threat under the guise of a clown?  Was this twelve-year-old girl guilty of committing the dreaded act of “hate speech” against clowns? As it turns out, she announced Killerclownfromnj’s appearance at her school on a certain date.

In the Instagram post, the girl made an “unspecified threat” to a public school in Toms River…The post from “Killerclownfromnj” stated “Some people wanted Toms River Intermediate East Middle School. I will be there at 8:37 sharp on Thursday, October 6, 2016!…The poster also added a series of emojis implying violence, officers said.

If there’s one digital communication tool capable of spurring a cop to anti-clown action, it’s an emoji that implies “violence.” The reader is left to determine what emojis imply violence, but it was enough for Toms River police to arrest the preteen. She now faces a third degree count of “causing false public alarm” in addition to school discipline.

Unfortunately for Toms River authorities, the girl didn’t circulate or initiate a report of any “fire, explosion, bombing, crime, or catastrophe” knowing such report would cause “public alarm.” Yes, clowns are the subject of our latest media hysteria, but nothing the young girl did or said could reasonably be construed as causing public alarm. Unless you’ve just finished watching Stephen King’s “It,” but that’s another matter entirely.

While it’s unclear at this time if our underage prankster will beat the rap, Toms River police are convinced students may return to school protected from any clown-related threat. After a swift and thorough investigation, they found no problems existed at all for students at Toms River Intermediate East Middle School.

Investigators concluded that the “ill-conceived hoax” posed no “credible threat to students.”

With real dangers of clown attacks present in our country, it’s sad to see the commander of the Killer Clowns in Chief, Stephen King, twit something so ill-conceived of his own in response to this growing epidemic.

Hey, guys, time to cool the clown hysteria–most of em are good, cheer up the kiddies, make people laugh.

Pennywise looks down on you with disgust, Mr. King. For shame.

5 Comments on this post.

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  • Jim Tyre
    7 October 2016 at 11:59 am - Reply

    Three clown posts in one day (so far)? Please refund my subscription.

    • shg
      7 October 2016 at 12:17 pm - Reply

      Sometimes, it just works out that way. Check’s in the mail.

    • CLS
      7 October 2016 at 5:27 pm - Reply

      In addition to Mr. Tyre’s refund, I would like to apologize for any offence my clown related post may have sparked. Fault Lines is a place of diversity and inclusion, and my off-color jokes in no way reflect the values and spirit of this publication. While my jokes are a method of sending our readers off into the weekend with a little laugh, in this case words truly did hurt and harm.

      Accordingly, I have been informed by Fault Lines management I am barred from posting new articles on this site until Monday morning.

      Again, I cannot apologize enough for any harm my insensitive post caused.

  • Rick
    7 October 2016 at 4:11 pm - Reply

    Are there any adults left anywhere?

  • Alex Bunin
    7 October 2016 at 8:04 pm - Reply

    Seems pretty obvious who the clowns are in Toms River, NJ.