Mimesis Law
27 June 2017

Plastic Doll Evades Sexual Assault Charges In Murfreesboro On Technicality

July 29, 2016 (Fault Lines) — Murfreesboro, Tennessee’s police are starting to finally get their acts together after the recent fiasco involving arrests of elementary school kids over an alleged off campus fight.  They responded to a call reporting an alleged sexual assault by a toy and didn’t arrest or shoot a single person in the process.

A woman’s husband said she was sexually assaulted when she was squirted with water from a toy at a hibachi restaurant.

The woman, Isabelle Lassiter, and her husband, James Lassiter, called the police but refused to file charges when they arrived Monday.

“It was a sexual-style assault on my wife,” James Lassiter said Tuesday.

The alleged perpetrator of the “sexual-style assault” was a plastic toy in the shape of a little boy used to entertain children at Wasabi Japanese Steakhouse.  When the toy’s pants are pulled down, it squirts water in a manner Isabelle Lassiter found completely inappropriate for her “minor children and grandchildren” to witness.  In fact, the toy’s lewd and lascivious behavior “mortified” her.

“It peed on me, basically,” [Isabelle] said…

Murfreesboro investigators took great care on patting the toy down and questioning it, asking for its preferred pronouns and noting the doll’s chosen sexual preference of “asexual.”  During an in-restaurant cavity search, police noticed the doll wasn’t “anatomically correct.”  It failed to attain affirmative consent before performing its best R. Kelly impersonation on Mrs. Lassiter, and it fell just shy of triggering her and her entire family.

“It really didn’t have a wiener, but you got the point,” Isabelle Lassiter said.

“Just because somebody cut off a piece of plastic, OK, it’s not there anymore, doesn’t change the fact that you’re getting peed on,” James Lassiter said.

Unfortunately for the Lassiters, it appears the toy and the chef who introduced it to Ms. Lassiter at Wasabi won’t face any charges, as Tennessee’s statute on “sexual battery” requires the “sexual contact” in question be “for the purpose of sexual arousal or gratification.”  The state’s “indecent exposure” law doesn’t even apply to toys, so that’s out the window as well.  And the alleged accomplice, the Wasabi’s chef, wasn’t even questioned about his role in the heinous crime.

Madness of this nature cannot continue, though.  Just as laws are slowly catching up with the rapid pace of technology, our nation’s laws need to start recognizing the great dangers toys pose to unsuspecting restaurant patrons.  While Wasabi’s owner promised the toy would obtain affirmative consent, witnessed by a chef, before exposing itself to another patron, who knows how many plastic squirting toy dolls are sexually-style assaulting the public?

Tennessee’s judges and court system may not afford relief for victims like Isabelle Lassiter, but the legislature surely can.  It’s time for someone in Nashville to criminalize unlawful sexual activities performed by toys.  After all, if the elected officials can spend time crafting laws dedicating money to put “In God We Trust” stickers on the back of every police car in Tennessee, they can certainly address sex crimes committed by heinous plastic figures.

10 Comments on this post.

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  • losingtrader
    29 July 2016 at 2:17 pm - Reply

    Why does your “IN GOD WE TRUST” story link to apple.com?

  • CLS
    29 July 2016 at 2:37 pm - Reply

    Because Jesus is an Apple user. Has no one ever explained this to you?

    • maz
      29 July 2016 at 10:16 pm - Reply

      You’re thinking of Eve…

  • maz
    29 July 2016 at 10:15 pm - Reply

    It’s amazing the doll wasn’t shot, as it’s clearly reaching for something.

    • CLS
      30 July 2016 at 1:27 pm - Reply

      Murfreesboro’s Finest knew the doll’s hands were incapable of moving. They actually looked at the alleged “perp” and used their brains to assess whether there was a credible threat to their safety. Y’know, unlike the time when they handcuffed elementary school kids.

  • JAV
    30 July 2016 at 9:05 am - Reply

    I was wondering when appending “-style” to the end of a phrase would become code for taking someone ridiculous assertions of fear seriously.

    • CLS
      30 July 2016 at 1:28 pm - Reply

      If the assertion of fear is ridiculous, you can bet I’ll probably ridicule it.

  • Richard G. Kopf
    30 July 2016 at 9:32 am - Reply
    • CLS
      30 July 2016 at 1:31 pm - Reply

      Judge,

      I am unsure when modern society will stop this horrific marginalization of ILGBTQIA$$*@! groups, but reliable sources inform me the doll’s attorneys filed a 87 USC §§ 412 (a)(3:16) suit.

      Justice will be served.

  • In the News (#660) | The Honest Courtesan
    3 August 2016 at 6:01 am - Reply

    […] …that police “investigated” this “sexual assault”: […]