Shedding The Trump Ten, Fault Lines Edition
December 23, 2016 (Fault Lines) — Gaining weight this holiday season isn’t a sign of reaching for one too many slices of pie, or indulging a bit too much in the Christmas goose. According to the Boston Globe, it’s a phenomenon called the “Trump 10,” where people stress-eat comfort foods in reaction to a traumatic event like a presidential election.
The New Yorker offered a series of suggestions on ways to work off the Trump 10. It’s an interesting list, but far from complete or even close to the ways real Americans will be working off their Trump 10 this holiday season. In the interests of journalistic fairness, Fault Lines presents the following ways people are actually working off their Trump-induced weight gain.
As all of us are professionals working inside the criminal justice system, it should be noted Fault Lines neither condones nor encourages criminal behavior. This is simply a chronicle of ways Americans are dealing with the “Trump 10” you won’t find anywhere else.
- Shoplifting, accompanied with a helping of high speed car chases.
- Sales of street pharmaceuticals in holiday attire.
- Exchanging positive pregnancy tests for cash.
- Reporting “Joseph and Mary Christ” for neglect at a hospital after stealing baby Jesus.
- Become a petsitter, then sell the owner’s pets.
- Decorate NICU babies as holiday presents.
- Pilfer vending machines while disguised as a Wookie.
- Complete your holiday shopping by carjacking a FedEx truck.
- Join Delta Airlines’ medical staff. They’ll take your word for it.
- Turn your local Chuck E. Cheese into Fight Club.
As the year draws to a close, and Fault Lines prepares for the holiday break, it’s nice to give you, our valued readers, a Top Ten List of ways to quickly work off that nasty Trump Ten. Asking for seconds at your awkward holiday dinner is a better way to avoid contempt of cop and ensure you see 2017.
Finally, on a personal note from all of us at Fault Lines, if you’re reading this, thank you. It’s been a wild ride covering the [ableist slur] that was the criminal justice system in 2016, but it wouldn’t be possible without you stopping by each day for a little bit of insight and knowledge. All of us at Fault Lines appreciate your continued readership and support. We’ll see you in 2017!