Teen Attempts To Poison Coffee, Fails Miserably
September 23, 2016 (Fault Lines) — Kids these days just don’t know how to poison someone properly. Back in the days of Socrates (the patron saint of every decent law school professor), one used hemlock to off a person with whom they disagreed. Moonshiners would use arsenic, masked with the flavors of Apple Pie Moonshine, to take out their enemies. Today’s generation thinks chalk in coffee is the best way to kill a teacher.
A 13-year-old girl was arrested Wednesday after she tried to poison her teacher with chalk, according to the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office.
Investigators said the incident occurred at Achieve Center of Pasco. The teen took a piece of sidewalk chalk she was using as part of an assignment, refined it into powder and put it into her teacher’s coffee mug.
“There are a number of things that are troubling,” said Linda Cobbe, Pasco County School District Spokeswoman. “A 13 year old who contemplated and planned doing this and putting the chalk in the teacher’s coffee mug, very troubling that if she really thought it was going to physically affect the teacher.”
Linda Cobbe has her priorities wrong. First, tainting coffee with any sort of substance is a mortal sin and should be punished as a felony of the highest regard. There’s only one way to drink coffee, and that’s blacker than the blackest night and hotter than the depths of hell itself. If the child placed creamer in her teacher’s coffee, that should result in arrest, jail, and mandatory entry on some sort of registry. One does not mess with coffee and expect to simply walk away without severe consequences.
Second, chalk isn’t the worst substance one can place in coffee if you’re attempting a childish prank. While the linked article notes that a teaspoon of ground chalk can cause an upset stomach, the true horror lies in the sick individual who puts salt in coffee. If you are among the ranks of the nonbelievers, try even a pinch of salt in an 8 ounce coffee mug. You can’t finish the beverage.
Despite Pasco County School District’s complete lack of knowledge about the greatest of bitter brown beans, and the harmful additives people place in them daily, it’s only good and right this teenage girl faces repercussions for “poisoning food/water to kill/injure a person.” While chalk isn’t exactly a poison, and health experts quoted in the story admit the gravest injury would be an upset stomach, consequences are appropriate and necessary for this egregious gaffe. Tainting a good cup of coffee is certainly worthy of a felony charge, if it’s not already on the books in Florida.
It might not make much sense now for the teen attempting to pull a fast one on one of her teachers. As an adult who depends on daily cup of joe, it’s only common sense this young lady be pilloried in the public square for messing with a good cup of coffee. Bring this miscreant to justice and make sure she’ll never harm another soul by butchering a good cup of java.