Mimesis Law
24 January 2020

The War On Thanksgiving

November 4, 2016 (Fault Lines) — Now that Halloween is over, and the dreaded pot-laced candy is safely stored away from children, it’s time to discuss the real problems facing America. Specifically, the cultural appropriation of Thanksgiving by folks eager to rush straight to Christmas. This is a slight against one of our nation’s most cherished holidays, and it must stop immediately.

The “Christmas Creep” used to begin shortly after Thanksgiving ended. The scourge would start with Black Friday, an American holiday where deal-hungry shoppers plot neighborhood routes to grab the latest flatscreen television for $10 and your local retail store resembles “The Purge.” As the hospitalized heal their wounds, they can take comfort in knowing every radio station not devoted to talk or sports will play the same six Christmas songs on a loop to spread “holiday cheer.”

This tripe continues until December 24th, when some folks visit church for a Christmas Eve service to placate their conscience from all the year’s misdeeds, and culminates on the 25th. That day, the little brats of the world open the toys parents went into debt over, only to be discarded within a few days. If one is lucky to make it past this point, one might end up on “Return Day.” That’s December 26th for readers outside the United States, a day when people find an excuse to leave their home and exchange the sweater they received for something they really want.

And who other than Thanksgiving is the victim in all this? A holiday designed to express joy and gratitude for all life provided you and your family during the year. There is a reason it’s called “thanks giving,” and it’s not because you unbuckle your belt after binging on turkey and slip into a tryptophan-induced coma during the football game. Never mind the lunacy taught by the nannies and scolds about how this holiday should be a reminder of the way Pilgrims mistreated America’s indigenous people. You have one chance to express thanks for all in your life and you blow it.

Thanksgiving is also time for people to practice up on the inevitable awkward dinner table conversation at Christmas. Empirical data from Fault Lines’ completely unscientific polling group shows one in five Americans falls victim to this horrendous crime every year. Deprivation of the chance to prepare ourselves for the inevitable questions of “When are you getting married?” and “So are grandchildren in our future anytime soon?” is harming our society, and no one is discussing this problem. It’s clearly a cover-up job designed to leave us in more misery.

So celebrate as you please this year. Enjoy your time with family and be thankful for all the blessings you’ve received this month Or take to the internet and whine about smallpox-laced blankets and the mischaracterization of Pocahontas. Just remember as you do, the talking heads on the news channel of your choice are wrong. There’s no war on Christmas. There’s a war on Thanksgiving, and until we address it, the conflict will only get worse.

But do take time on the 24th to at least eat a meal with your family. Push Christmas out of your head for a moment. Then you can heed the words of Tom Lehrer to your heart’s desire.

Angels we have heard on high

Tell us to go out and buy!

3 Comments on this post.

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  • Jim Tyre
    4 November 2016 at 11:52 am - Reply

    I’ve long advocated that Thanksgiving should be renamed National Alka Seltzer Awareness Day. My name removes the racist element and is more reflective of what the day truly signifies to most. Other reasons abound.

    Will you join me in my quest to have the day renamed properly?

  • maz
    4 November 2016 at 2:05 pm - Reply

    You completely overlooked my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: gout.

    • Jim
      6 November 2016 at 4:46 pm - Reply

      Mine is edema.